Total Fatty

Ah, year 2 is done.

Mixed bag of a year, to be honest.

After year one, it felt a little like my rainbows and unicorns – unappreciated by me on a daily basis – moved on to the people who needed and wanted them more.

The humdrum of life is back in full force, but now I am achingly aware of every single moment (no escape). And also achingly aware of what I really should be grateful for. Let’s just say I’m glad year 2 is over and done with.

What did I expect? I’m not sure.

I am sure that 99.9% of my “problems” are rooted in dropping short of my own expectations. Assumptions I made about who I would be in year 2 of sobriety. What I would accomplish. All the things I would do.

Here’s a list of what I thought would happen in Year Two:

• Even more rainbows and unicorns.
• A rebuilt and integrated (sober + not sober) social life.
• A budding empire designing and making clothing for larger sized women.
• A draft of my book about how fear of fat, the diet industry/culture and body hatred are intricately connected to addiction for women, and how quitting an addiction is NOT THE SAME THING physiologically as dieting (and how past diet/binge cycling is what makes quitting drinking much harder for women).
• A raft of invitations – post book deal – to speak about diet culture and addiction at events and on TV. Oprah!
• A whole. new. life.

So right. None of those things happened. 🙂

Here’s what did happen:

• I have actually, really, truly found peace with my body and food (thank you Isabel Foxen Duke and her program).
• I got better at my job. Not really sure why (other than sobriety), but I did. And that’s a great thing.
• I worked on a house remodeling project (creative time suck – away from aforementioned clothing design empire – but it was fun)
• I isolated. A lot. I binge-watched tv series, didn’t leave the house much, barely moved my body (walking to and from the BART station when I was in Oakland for work was about it). I spent more time in front of my laptop than I did with my husband or dog – probably 10x more time.
• I cycled in and out of “moods” – it didn’t feel as bad as depression, but I felt blue and grumpy and “off” a lot this past year (hmmm, perhaps there’s a connection between my moods and my lack of movement…)
• I didn’t write much on this blog. I kept thinking I would and then I wouldn’t.
• Overall, it felt like a year of procrastinating the BIG work. The scary work. The risk-taking and time-dedicating and creative-living work.

So let’s see what year 3 brings, eh? Any suggestions, readers?

Love,

Fatty