Total Fatty

On Monday April 29th 2024 I went to my very first personal training session to introduce me to CrossFit, and I decided to chronicle my experience here because I googled “starting cross-fit at 50” and “anti-diet CrossFit” all I could find were before-and-after videos all centered on shrinking body size, or CrossFit marketing materials about how CrossFit is for people at any age, any size, etc.

I am not just 50 years old, I’m 50 years old AND I’m vehemently opposed to the tyranny of diet culture, sizism and all the various forms of healthism. (Even the well-intended “Health at Every Size” concept is an ableist, classist and healthist idea that presumes access to specific food types and that we must assume responsibility for our own health status.)

If we are unhealthy by any measure it’s generally assumed that’s because we aren’t working hard enough to get or stay healthy – especially if we are in a fat body. We’ve all been taught that fat = unhealthy, and that fatness is something we can control through willpower, so there’s enormous societal pressure for fat people to at least exercise, if for no other reason than to publicly demonstrate that we are trying to avoid being a drain on the other – more worthy – people’s healthcare options.

I could go on, but instead I will take a breath and get to my main point: pursuing “health” is not an obligation, nor is it a particularly accessible goal for most humans on earth, not just for financial reasons, but also because genetics plays such a huge role in health issues and outcomes.

With all of that said, I recently decided I would invest time and money and effort (e.g., said CrossFit personal training sessions) into strengthening my body, improving my capacity for aerobic movement, and — maybe — achieving a little bit of mind/body integration.

Here’s why:

1. Recently (the last year or so) I’ve been feeling ever-so-slightly out of breath when I get up from my chair, bed or couch a little too quickly (not to mention when I bound up the stairs or other actually-rapid movement that would normally trigger a bit of breathlessness). I have heart disease on both sides of my family, so I’ve scheduled a doctor’s appointment (in June) to check on the out-of-breath-ness, but in the meantime, and because being out of breath from doing nearly nothing scared the bejeezus out of me, I’ve been noodling on ways I might up my movement levels without triggering a diet-spiral.
   
2. Once I’m up from the chair/couch/bed, I feel so stiff from not moving that I have to waddle with my legs parted for a little while (I sometimes mumble Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum as I waddle around) before my hips and feet and other parts loosen a bit, and work correctly again. I don’t love this new-ish routine. If it’s an inevitable part of aging, I can learn to live with it. If it’s something I can fix (at least for a little while) I’d like to do that.
   
3. Washing every part of my body has become a twisty/bendy/sometimes-ouchy process due to general inflexibility and some newly acquired fat on my back and arms. I’ve been researching other methods (don’t worry, I’ve heard of long-handled sponges) but I am hoping flexibility improvements (vs body-size changing) could potentially help with this.
   
4. Last but not least: when I quit drinking, smoking and dieting eight years ago, I was so fired up about my new life of emotional ease & integrity (sobriety!), and increasing comfort with the body I’ve been given (dumping dieting!), that I wanted to help others to escape these insidious prisons too. So, I got certified as a Life Coach and anti-diet Weight-Neutral Coach. I really got INTO this stuff. And yet, I still kinda felt like a floating head that would just forget I have a body. No matter how much yoga I tried (and I swear, I tried a lot of yoga), I never felt like I could get into my body and be “of” it.
   
   I devoured any new book about weight-neutral movement, I asked seasoned anti-diet coaches and medical practitioners for advice, and I even hired a “movement” coach for a while. All of these things were helpful intellectual building blocks, for sure, but none of them led me to the mind/body integration I was seeking.
   
   I didn’t know (still don’t) what it would feel like to allow myself to be both a body and a mind, all at once, but I knew I hadn’t gotten there.
   
   I was – and am still – scared shitless of exercise! I am afraid to trigger diet cycling. I am afraid to feel deprived or punished (kicking off various predictable reactions, such as binging, feeling tempted by alcohol, or other generally self-destructive choices.)
   
   When it comes to exercise, I am equally scared of “success” as I am of “failure”. What if my body doesn’t just get stronger and more flexible, but it actually does get smaller? What if people notice and comment on it? How will I explain what I’m doing without seeming like an anti-diet hypocrite?
   
   What if I don’t follow through? What if I give up my new exercise effort (again, for the millionth time in my life)? What if I can’t become any fitter, stronger or more flexible than I am today? What if I’ve missed all of my chances to make improvements to my physical experience of the world?

So, those ^^ are my reasons for starting this project.

Why CrossFit? I could say that I studied all of my options and CrossFit fit the bill, but that’s not even remotely close to the truth. The true story is that I went to a local small business owners’ event (my husband and I own a bookstore in town) and I randomly met the owner of a local CrossFit gym. Against type, it turned out she was vehemently anti-diet, anti-healthism and anti-diet culture. She and I got along SO well, and I felt instantly comfortable around her. I told her everything I wrote above, and more (poor woman had no idea what she was getting into, lol.) She told me about CrossFit (turns out, I knew zero.) She explained that it’s highly adaptable to any fitness level, injury and age. Then she asked me if I’d be willing to just come learn more at the gym. And I said maybe. 🙂 Then she texted me two weeks later to check in and I said “yes”, because I had thought about our conversation every single day and twice on Sunday since the day we met. Seemed like a sign, right?

Here are my takeaways from CrossFit Personal Training Session #1:

• The workout itself wasn’t as unfamiliar as I’d expected. Lunges are lunges, rowing is rowing. But there are definitely special CrossFit words and procedures which make the whole thing feel more inaccessible than it needs to. I’m happy this gym requires personal training onboarding sessions before letting me loose with the pros in the classes.
  
• I was WAY more sore that night than I expected. In the past it took me a day or two to really feel sore from workouts. Something must be different about my bod now because I felt pulsing, rubbery soreness in my thighs and stomach area – could barely sleep! – but I felt immensely better on day two, and even better (almost back to normal) on day three. It was actually kind of nice to feel perfectly symmetrically sore. No injuries or extra sensitivities on either side of me. No ankle flare ups (I’ve sprained my left ankle a million times). I just felt all-around sore but not in pain.
  
• I won’t say I’m super excited to go back, but I’m not dreading it. So there’s that.

Wish me luck!

Love,

Fatty