New Year’s Eve, 2019

I’ve never liked NYE. When I was a drinker it just meant my favorite restaurants and bars were packed full of “amateurs”. As a non drinker – and this is my fourth sober NYE – it’s been a very quiet, very boring night. I’ve never bothered to plan anything, and my husband certainly hasn’t planned anything either. I have vague memories of watching the fireworks around the world on TV and then going to bed after the Times Square ball drop, i.e. at 9pm west-coast-time.

And… drumroll… I have nothing planned for tonight either.

But I do have a simple, full day planned. I’m manning the bookstore for part of the day – Tim will take over at some point this afternoon. I’ve done some shop cleaning and re-organizing, and it’s sparkling and smells good. My afternoon plan is to invest in a label maker, so that’s exciting. I love this damn shop, and that feels good.

I was really worried that I would get bored with the bookstore. That I’d do my usual thing – get all fired up then pretty quickly lose interest. Like my sewing phase. Or my writing-this-blog phase. Or even past romantic relationships and jobs.

But maybe I can let that narrative go now.

This may seem bizarre, but I think the bookstore was a placeholder ‘big decision’. Just like when I got my dog, Ethel, when I was 30 and everyone told me I wouldn’t have the wherewithal to take care of her properly, for the long haul. Opening the bookstore this time last year was really me testing myself. Can I execute on a big idea and stick with it?

What this all boils down to is: am I capable of taking on big responsibility, and, if I dig a little deeper, can I take care of a kid?

Yep, the kid question.

For those just joining us here on Total Fatty, I lost the ability to have kids in my mid-thirties because I had uterine cancer. I’m married now, and 46 years old. My husband isn’t sure he wants kids, and I can’t make any promises that I’ll take care of a kid full-time because I’m the primary breadwinner for our little family and baby bookstore business (husband, me, and Ethel the 16.5 year old pug). So, adopting a baby doesn’t seem terribly realistic. If my husband isn’t on board, it’s sort of a non-starter, right? Also, am I too old? Should we foster kids instead? Do I even have the energy to fill out the damn paperwork, let alone take care of someone?

So, I’ve sought out a new therapist to work through this, and I won’t bore you with the many baby-related anxieties and BIG LIFE QUESTIONS. But I just wanted to put this niggling idea out there, because at some point I want to put it to rest – one way or another, and that ‘some point’ better be in 2020.

So my intention for 2020 is to figure this out. Yes or no. And then move on.

My other goals for 2020 include:

  • Listen more
  • Move my body
  • Figure out publisher-direct book ordering for the bookstore 🙂

I’ve taken “write a book” off my list. One thing I’ve figured out this past year is that working seven days a week, even for a passion project, is exhausting. I really don’t have the mental energy to do something new in 2020 (I say this now, but who knows how I’ll feel when I don’t have a cold and am not dreading going back to work post New Year’s break).

In 2020 I’m going to try to get better at balancing my work-work, bookstore-work and non-work time, and make more conscious choices around my ‘me’ time – vs sitting on the couch. Wish me luck!




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