I’m going to take a breather from my food stuff today and go back to what started this whole journey: quitting drinking and smoking on April 15th, 2016.
I’m 344 days sober today, and that means I’m very very close to hitting the one year mark.
It’s pretty hard to avoid having thoughts around re-integrating wine into my life. I’ve gotten through all the big holidays, birthdays, events that happen in a year. I’ve quit and started a new job. I’ve made new friends. I’ve even gotten an old friendship to a place that isn’t totally awkward without wine. I am laser focused on freeing myself from dieting and body hatred. These are all amazing accomplishments. AMAZING (for me, anyway).
So why drink again? Well, I keep wondering if, with all of this mental clarity and progress learning how to cope with feelings without wine (and now, without compulsive eating/planning diets/dieting), isn’t it at least possible that I could drink once in a while and not slip back to my escapist routine?
So I wrote some lists to help think through this:
- Holiday meals/events
- Dinner/lunch/brunch with girlfriends
- Alone on deck with cigarettes
- Alone on couch
- With co-workers on business trips (including Vegas)
- With co-workers at work/right after work/office functions
- Alone but on the phone with friends/family
- Before going out with girlfriends
- During going out with girlfriends
- At parties
- At birthdays
- At holiday meals
- To fit in at work
- To relax with friends/family (stop being the sober sore thumb)
- To feel “high” and loose once in a while
- To be included and feel wanted
- To feel lovable… to forget all my flaws for a while
- I felt more insecure about not being included/wanted at work while I was drinking
- I hated myself WAY more when I was drinking and smoking than I do now, even though I can’t escape my body and body-hate-thoughts with wine anymore
- I felt weighed down by drinking and smoking
- I felt like a weak trapped unhealthy human who had no right to get healthy in other ways because I was poisoning myself daily.
- I don’t actually believe that wine is a necessary part of a healthy, joyful life anymore. I don’t think I can un-learn that now. I feel so much disdain for our society’s assumption that wine=fun/relaxation/happiness/sociability.