Close to one year booze-free…waffling.

wafflesI’m going to take a breather from my food stuff today and go back to what started this whole journey: quitting drinking and smoking on April 15th, 2016.

I’m 344 days sober today, and that means I’m very very close to hitting the one year mark.

It’s pretty hard to avoid having thoughts around re-integrating wine into my life. I’ve gotten through all the big holidays, birthdays, events that happen in a year. I’ve quit and started a new job. I’ve made new friends. I’ve even gotten an old friendship to a place that isn’t totally awkward without wine. I am laser focused on freeing myself from dieting and body hatred. These are all amazing accomplishments. AMAZING (for me, anyway).

So why drink again? Well, I keep wondering if, with all of this mental clarity and progress learning how to cope with feelings without wine (and now, without compulsive eating/planning diets/dieting), isn’t it at least possible that I could drink once in a while and not slip back to my escapist routine?

So I wrote some lists to help think through this:

Times I would like to drink in future, in priority order:
  • Holiday meals/events
  • Birthdays
  • Dinner/lunch/brunch with girlfriends
  • Vacations
  • Vegas
Times I actually drank, in order of volume/frequency:
  • Alone on deck with cigarettes
  • Alone on couch
  • With co-workers on business trips (including Vegas)
  • With co-workers at work/right after work/office functions
  • Alone but on the phone with friends/family
  • Before going out with girlfriends
  • During going out with girlfriends
  • At parties
  • At birthdays
  • At holiday meals
  • Vacations
Why do I “want” to drink again?
  • To fit in at work
  • To relax with friends/family (stop being the sober sore thumb)
  • To feel “high” and loose once in a while
Why do I want to fit in?
  • To be included and feel wanted
  • To feel lovable… to forget all my flaws for a while
What’s the truth?
  • I felt more insecure about not being included/wanted at work while I was drinking
  • I hated myself WAY more when I was drinking and smoking than I do now, even though I can’t escape my body and body-hate-thoughts with wine anymore
  • I felt weighed down by drinking and smoking
  • I felt like a weak trapped unhealthy human who had no right to get healthy in other ways because I was poisoning myself daily.
  • I don’t actually believe that wine is a necessary part of a healthy, joyful life anymore. I don’t think I can un-learn that now. I feel so much disdain for our society’s assumption that wine=fun/relaxation/happiness/sociability.
What’s the answer? UGH.

 

6 Replies to “Close to one year booze-free…waffling.”

  1. Oh my gosh, I needed to read this today. Thank you thank you thank you.
    I’m on a similar journey but not as far along as you are. I quit drinking & smoking at the same time too. I have been having similar thoughts and making very similar lists.
    You’re doing so great, almost a year, that’s fantastic!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so glad! Your blog sounds so so much like me except I didn’t have a drinking boyfriend (a pot smoking husband instead– which is no big deal at all). You are rocking it under pretty wretched circumstances. 3-4 months sober were the hardest days for me. Anxiety. Trouble sleeping. Lots and lots of questioning. You can get through it and it does get so much easier.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Aww thank you! Oh yes, lots of questioning and anxiety. It’s easier now than it was 3 months ago and I keep telling myself it will get even more easier, that’s a big reason I’m staying on track and not giving in to drinking urges or cravings; I know I wouldn’t be able to moderate and I’d hate to have to go through all this again 😒

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m not at all surprised that you worried more about fitting in at work and having people’s approval when you were drinking. Drinking feeds our need for approval. It drives us to chase the “likes” and “follows” and other signs of validation. It keeps us judging our insides by other people’s outsides.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Yay Brigette! So nice to see you here. Yes, it’s so hard to remember how I actually felt while drinking, but I really do remember being way more paranoid and obsessive about fitting in at work when I was drinking. There’s so much about getting sober at 43 that I sometimes believe may be a function of age, too. But who cares why? If I feel more solid and confident, why mess wit it?

    Like

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