Ah, year 2 is done.
Mixed bag of a year, to be honest.
After year one, it felt a little like my rainbows and unicorns – unappreciated by me on a daily basis – moved on to the people who needed and wanted them more.
The humdrum of life is back in full force, but now I am achingly aware of every single moment (no escape). And also achingly aware of what I really should be grateful for. Let’s just say I’m glad year 2 is over and done with.
What did I expect? I’m not sure.
I am sure that 99.9% of my “problems” are rooted in dropping short of my own expectations. Assumptions I made about who I would be in year 2 of sobriety. What I would accomplish. All the things I would do.
Here’s a list of what I thought would happen in Year Two:
- Even more rainbows and unicorns.
- A rebuilt and integrated (sober + not sober) social life.
- A budding empire designing and making clothing for larger sized women.
- A draft of my book about how fear of fat, the diet industry/culture and body hatred are intricately connected to addiction for women, and how quitting an addiction is NOT THE SAME THING physiologically as dieting (and how past diet/binge cycling is what makes quitting drinking much harder for women).
- A raft of invitations – post book deal – to speak about diet culture and addiction at events and on TV. Oprah!
- A whole. new. life.
So right. None of those things happened. 🙂
Here’s what did happen:
- I have actually, really, truly found peace with my body and food (thank you Isabel Foxen Duke and her program).
- I got better at my job. Not really sure why (other than sobriety), but I did. And that’s a great thing.
- I worked on a house remodeling project (creative time suck – away from aforementioned clothing design empire – but it was fun)
- I isolated. A lot. I binge-watched tv series, didn’t leave the house much, barely moved my body (walking to and from the BART station when I was in Oakland for work was about it). I spent more time in front of my laptop than I did with my husband or dog – probably 10x more time.
- I cycled in and out of “moods” – it didn’t feel as bad as depression, but I felt blue and grumpy and “off” a lot this past year (hmmm, perhaps there’s a connection between my moods and my lack of movement…)
- I didn’t write much on this blog. I kept thinking I would and then I wouldn’t.
- Overall, it felt like a year of procrastinating the BIG work. The scary work. The risk-taking and time-dedicating and creative-living work.
So let’s see what year 3 brings, eh? Any suggestions, readers?