Total Fatty

I’ve been sober for 767 days as of today. I don’t look at my day counter regularly anymore. Once a month (or every other month, lately) on the 15th I pause and count the months in my head. But that’s about it.

I remember watching the seconds tick by in the early days. I remember wishing there were a refresh button on my day counter app so I could somehow magically be transported to tomorrow, or at least correct the day count because clearly it hasn’t refreshed yet today because another day should have passed by now.

Now I sometimes pine for those ridiculously long, seemingly endless days. Nowadays days zip past like I’m a girl on death row. Not enough time. Not enough savoring. Need to slow down and smell roses and knit, or something.

I truly didn’t know how to relax or have fun or have a weekend or eat dinner without wine.

But here I am today, 767 days sober, and I often forget that I’m sober. I forget about the slog that early sobriety was for me. Today, I actually reflect more on how much easier it was for me than it could have been. If I had waited longer to quit, I’m not sure I’d even be here today.

I was in so much denial about my daily wine habit. It was a “wine habit,” first of all, not alcoholism. And wine is delicious and life affirming and sophisticated. It goes with delicious food. It’s an essential part of a good life. I could take it or leave it.

And yet… I couldn’t easily cut it out. And the more I tried to cut back, the more I drank in any given drinking session. I couldn’t get enough wine. I had started to buy back-up bottles. I had to lie to cashiers about hosting dinner parties. I had to do all the things to feel safe in my routine without exposing my lack of control. Because lack of control is the most shameful thing, right?

I am planning to revisit my old post that seems to get a bunch of traffic – my 0-30 day quit drinking timeline. I’m going to write a 30-90 day timeline, and try to get at the root of how I got past the “forever” panic. How I found community, despite not knowing a single sober soul when I started this sobriety thing. And, in the end, what happened that made it relatively smooth sailing after 100 days.

I am also going to be working with a friend/sponsor to “work the steps” – the AA 12 steps, which both terrifies and excites me.

When I first got sober I went to an AA women’s meeting in West Seattle. One of the AA catchphrases got stuck hard in my head: Let go and let God. I am not religious, but that idea – the concept that relinquishing control is the way to get sober – was mind blowing. And, weirdly, repeating that phrase in my head again and again is what got me past a handful of tough (usually boredom or anxiety filled) moments when i wanted to say “fuck it” and go back to what I imagined would be a newfound ability to drink moderately.

So, I’ll work on that 30-90 day post and will get that up as soon as I can. In the meantime, stay with me. It is still one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.