The beginning.

GlassesI’ve been sober for 78 days, and a non smoker for two months-ish. I feel so free. Quitting drinking and smoking wasn’t an easy process, and I’m still firmly in the “beginner” category.

One of the themes in the alcohol recovery community is to do “whatever it takes” to stay sober. Even if it means eating ice cream every day. Even if it means eating a family size Stouffer’s Mac and Cheese or Lasagna. Even if… you are eating like you dreamed of eating when you were thirteen years old but were too scared to because then your father who left would love you even less.

But see, that’s the thing. I started smoking to stop eating. Then I started drinking to replace meals. I wanted to have more sophisticated habits that would one day be cool to quit. Seriously.

Now that I’m not drinking or smoking, and am enmeshed in the very cool (truly) recovery community, I sit here, at home, TERRIFIED. I’m still imprisoned by fear of food, fear of binge eating, fear of finally sliding down the rabbit hole of pure self hatred and body self-destruction if I were to ‘let myself go’.

In the Hip Sobriety School (, an online class I’m taking, Holly Whitaker says you shouldn’t just stop drinking. You need to build a life you don’t want to escape from. In that vein she also says to pay attention to the people who “have what you want.” Your desires are always rooted in who you already are; they lead you to the fires that are already burning inside you. I have always found myself drawn to larger but cool, stylish, self-assured and powerful women. I don’t want what skinny women have (though it is terribly beautiful and powerful in its own, natural right). I want pride and peace in my own beauty. I want to OWN it.

So, this blog – Total Fatty – is the beginning of that journey. In case it’s too subtle (ha – not my strong suit) “Total Fatty” reclaims the word “fat”, and it kinda sorta rhymes with “Total HOTTIE.” But whatever, I just needed a name quickly, before I lost my nerve.

So, in closing: this blog isn’t about how to lose weight. It’s about my attempts to live without shame and fear. That’s where I’m headed. And if I eat food that makes me feel strong instead of weak, then so be it. But this will not be a health food read. Or a before and after picture gallery.

More to come.



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