The struggle is real.

I wonder how many blog posts have this title. It’s a cliche because it’s true, right? Riiiigggghhht???

I am 13 months sober, 12.5 months cigarette free, and now about two months into Isabel Foxen Duke’s “Stop Fighting Food” master class. I feel kind of navel-gazed-out, if that is a thing. I’m bored with self improvement. But then, old shit keeps floating to the surface. So I’m back here, wishing I had more interesting things to say.

I’ve been a travelin’ girl lately. Two weeks road tripping with my husband from Seattle to Palm Springs and back, then a few days at home, then a weekend in NYC, then a week in SF for my new job. Really what I’m saying is that I haven’t been in a routine. And I’ve been eating shitty food.

Consequences of this recent month of eating crap? Zits. BIG ouchy zits. Tight jeans. Aching back. Pins and needles if I cross my legs too long. Headaches in the morning. Tummy ache as I fall asleep (ice cream/cookies upset my tummy right before bed). Weird stressful dreams (could be a result of so much shit going on, and the stress of a new job, but I’ll blame it all on food – m’kay?)

So, almost every night this past week I’ve gone to bed thinking:

“I feel bloated and over-sugared.” Or over-fatted. Or over-full. Or just greasy.

Then I think: I am not afraid of getting fatter anymore. Those are the patriarchy’s rules about how a woman should look. I don’t need to believe in those rules. I can live free from society’s bullshit. DAMNIT INGRID, STOP THINKING (secretly) THAT YOU’RE TOO FAT!!

Then I think: well, it’s not just that I feel fatter, I am also run down. Tired. Greasy. I don’t feel HEALTHY. How in the f*ck am I supposed to separate my desire to eat more healthily and exercise more so I can feel better physically, from my old-timey desire to be thinner and, by the world’s rules, prettier?

This is hard.

Love,

Fatty

 

3 Replies to “The struggle is real.”

  1. I hear ya! Way to go on the staying sober while doing some traveling, by the way! That’s awesome! I’ve been eating healthier since I quit smoking and drinking (and my tastes have changed a LOT to where I’m actually enjoying some of the healthier foods), that I really feel it when I eat crappy. (My sugar intake is still high though, such crazy intense sugar cravings grrr)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So many familiar thoughts and struggles here, I can relate. One day last week I ate too many donuts close to bedtime but I thought, hey, at least it’s not wine and it’s not every day so I’m not going to beat myself up. I went to bed and couldn’t sleep, just couldn’t settle and realised I didn’t feel right. I took my pulse and even lying still in bed it was over 100 which is totally not alright. What the hell was the sugar doing to me?! It’s nasty, addictive stuff 😦 Great job with the sober travelling too 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. HI, Ingrid. I think you can whatever eat you want in unlimited amounts as long as that thing is carrots:) The important thing here is how you feel, not how you look. But of course they are related! I try to avoid foods that make me bloat or give me a sugar hangover, they also happen to be foods that are low in nutritional value and high in sugar and fluffy carbs and nasties. I DO eat them. Don’t get me wrong. Then I pay for it. Sometimes it pisses me off because I ALREADY GAVE UP EVERYTHING, but my body doesn’t lie.
    Traveling and eating good foods is hard to do, but there are choices that can be made even you’re dining out 3 meals a day.
    Good to hear from you, hope the new job is awesome!

    Like

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